It’s raining outside, just as it has been for the past couple of days. The thunder keeps beaming as if to command order or fear. I finally find time away from the everyday bustle that is life, to put down a memoir for my 27th year on planet earth.
Quite the year I must say. I can’t brag about growing much in material wealth, but my heart is the most peaceful, it’s ever been. Lessons I picked up this year were remarkable. I feel like this would be the perfect time to write, ‘what I’d tell my 22 year old self.’
The best habit I picked up this year was ‘come what may.’ It feels extremely amazing to understand that I can’t be in control of everything. Worrying does not change the results in any way. So for once in my life, I have lived just a moment at a time. This has significantly reduced regret in most things I do. If it wasn’t in my power to change, it can’t possibly be my fault.
I have become my own person and I can’t believe it took me so long to realize, it’s okay to be different. It’s only during my transition to 27 that I noticed, the idea of family and happily ever after does not intrigue me. Do not get it twisted, I love fairy tales, I am genuinely happy for couples and young families, I think babies are the cutest little things; but that’s just about it. I love and cherish all these things but from a distance. I am careful to give some wiggle room in my life for this because, I have also now understood that things do change.
On that very same note, my perspective on sensitive societal opinions have not only changed, but probably overturned and swirled inside out. I have learned and unlearned and if only we all could, it’d be a beautiful world. My empathy has grown into a space that completely knows no judgement. I will cheer every woman now to do what they do best to get to where they want to be. I love all my men too, just that being a woman of mature age now, I understand better that it takes a woman twice the effort to achieve what a brother can get in a snap. I am a cheerleader for all the men working hard but for the women, I choose to be a little more. The stool, stamp, ladder, pull/push force, whatever it takes, I’ll give a brother a pat and a sister a firm nudge.
Gratitude! This began a little earlier for me. Appreciating the little milestones goes a long way. We win some we lose some, but most importantly when you lose, remember that you did win at some point. Life likes to mix it up a little bit; so it will at some point change the diet, just chill. I had mentioned before, stop, take a minute and look back. See the distance you’ve covered, feel good about that; now turn and head on. If you never look back, you beat yourself too hard for the things you have not accomplished, yet you already have wins that have not been celebrated. Every time I want to stress myself about something I do not have, I remember, right in this moment, I have something I cried and wanted so bad a couple of years back.
I am not a good person and I probably will never be. Insecurities I had stemmed strongly from comparisons. It always felt like I will never be as generous as my parents. How come I am not as warm and receptive as my sisters? Why would I live a lie just to uphold standards that do not make me as happy?
I come from a proper family and anyone who knows me from that link, easily assumes I am the rebel and family disappointment. I have had to live under the shadows of my family members who are extremely nice people. I have seen them being taken advantage of and used at everyone’s convenience. Well, mostly in the name of the Lord; because their reward is in heaven. I however choose to reward myself with peace here on earth. When people realize, they can’t use you, they become vile towards you. It is for that reason, not a lot of relatives have nice things to say about me. No, I will not send you money because you wiped my nose when I was four. No I will not host your kids because it is selfish to live alone. No I will not get married because a single mature woman is most definitely a prostitute. And no, I will not keep quiet when disrespected. I am going to burn in eternal fire? Well, I already made my peace with that.
After all is said and done; learning continues. I am human and quite a mess if you ask me ; but it is a lovely adventure finding new ways every day to try contain the mess. My dad calls and asks ‘Olave are you happy?’ this year, every time I said ‘yes’ I meant it.