Why? You are probably asking…because 26 walked in when there were no more suicidal thoughts. It did not find me crying and wondering when I’ll ever do it right by my family’s book. It barged in and did not find me lying face up imagining different scenarios of how peaceful the grave would be. I was not avoiding the mirror and feeling self conscious and disappointed in myself. 26 just found me happy, craving chicken and eating ice-cream. That is why is was a darn good day to be 26.
I have had dark times and I have battled with bitterness. Bitter why, because every time I recall bits of the past 2 years I feel the coldest of chills blow by. I had a phone and if I scrolled through the phone book I wouldn’t find a single soul I could call and talk to. The bustle of meeting new people, getting duped and harassed. Going back home and crying myself to sleep, hoping I never wake up.
Somehow rumours about you travel and land right back in your ear. You live in a world where even those you thought; in their hands you could place your life,were all waiting for you to crumble so the majestic ‘I told you so’ can come to play. Every passing day I went to sleep and prayed so hard I’d die peaceful as if in old age. I tell my friend, I wanted death so bad. I just did not have courage enough to take my own life. So I lived through another day. Some days I’d try to leave the house if I could afford it and meet people. Most days I’d stay in bed, cry, turn, write something sad and repeat the cycle.
The worst part is that you can’t speak about it because whenever you meet other people they feel you are doing better than them. Sometimes they are going through something and you convince yourself, your struggle is lesser than theirs. I literally got to a point I did not know how to respond to a complement or a positive comment because I had no idea what they were referring to and so I made a joke off everything and it has become the strongest coping mechanism I have ever adopted. Probably from my dad but I see now how awesome it works.
People wonder why I have become very insensitive towards helping people. I will only help if it is genuine and is humanly reasonable. I came through for people, my mother taught me to always be kind, to always share and never tire of giving. I realized my mother’s mantra only leaves you pained and scared in real life. You break your back for people and the one time you’ll ever need just a text replied, they cease to exist. You are not borrowing money or asking for a favour, you just need clarity on something you thought they were better at understanding and you just find a huge wall, the one Trump wants to build does not begin to describe it . Yet they say be your brother’s keeper. I say, be your heart’s protector.
So building up to 26, I met a couple of people who restored my hope in humanity. I will forever be grateful to the one person who once sat me down and said.
‘Olave, let’s do this…why don’t we count your achievements today. Forget about any targets you’ve set that you are still working on. ‘
So we sat and literally counted one after the other, milestone after milestone for the last three years. Believe or not, that was the turning point, my tiny winy achievements have far outweighed my worries. I have come a long way. On a path with not a single guide, gambling on directions, I have done well for myself. It’s a struggle, everyday still is; but now I wake up happier, full of life and ready to make the next year count. This time without tears, without stress just with motivation and a whole lot of jokes.
Emotionally, I am at a good place. Career-wise…have ya’ll seen my resume though? Through the talk my friend helped me compare my professional experience to those around the same age as me mostly in the same field. The dark experiences at the end of the day were just sharpening me. Every bad experience I had in my line of profession actually added on a skill set I did not have earlier on. Only that when you are going through it, you never see any good come out of it until later on. My family became supportive eventually after my way worked just as well. LoL! They have also probably accepted that I will not pursue further education. Hahaha…
Takeaway: Look back, see how far you have come. When you are just running forward, you’ll never tell how much distance you’ve covered already. You’ve probably heard this, but you need to hear it again; you have a tight circle of friends and family right? Sweetheart it’s not all of them who want you to prosper. It’s not easy to tell who of them it is, so play smart. The saliva that lubricates your food is the same saliva that can choke you to death. They are here mama, they are here…