I sat on my favourite mat shaking uncontrollably tears dumping my freebie and I could feel my ears heat up. There was anger, disappointment, bitterness and all that I felt towards myself. How I let my guard down for a man I knew too well would soon bail. I cursed my ice cold heart for warming up to him, I resented my body for craving for his touch, I hated my mind for shutting down its system just in the name of letting me be human again. Who’d have ever thought I’d see my tears this early in the year. It had taken months to build this titanic and I had sailed in it smoothly until now. I was indestructible, half beast half beastess.
That morning I had a feeling he was not coming back and I did not want him back but why did I even take him in to begin with? I have never met such a disgraceful son of a woman, a man who knew nothing about appreciating the little given to him. A maniacal who took every positivity in my life for competition. A man who’d never do for me half the things I did for him.
I just wanted him to stop existing, erase the part of my life he was in. I did not care whether he wanted to cut all communication I just knew I wanted him gone. If I had no dignity I’d haul insults at him, if I did not hold myself in such high esteem I’d have caused a fracas at the club. If my mother had not taught me how to be my own man, I’d have begged him to let us work things out.
Instead I was a fortress that stood oh so glorious. My heart was sculptured ice and my mind chips and cables. I had never once invested in building a self destruction system because I knew come sun or high water, the only one who held the power to destroy me was me. A heavy heart and a forsaken spirit; broken trust and painful sores, I still woke up, smiled, joked about everything including death that I so often wished would pay me a visit.
I listened to those who believed in beings that only lived beyond the sky, I sat and questioned silently all those who entrusted their lives to an existence they never once laid their eyes on, those that talked of fate, destiny and karma as if they were good old buddies. I mingled, I laughed, I ate heartily and drunk to fill. Not once did I ever strip down to my last thread to reveal the scars and fresh wounds because at the end of the day, this generation will just snap my ugliness and share it to make fun. That for number one is why I have trust issues. So how about I dust myself up and get back on reconstructing a mightier Titanic where a beast can live in peace.